In a stunning upset, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin won the CPAC straw poll by a wide margin, beating Chris Christie, Jeb Bush, Rick Santorum and all other prospective candidates by 50 points.
In a related development, a group of CPAC researchers, including Orly Taitz, Jerome Corsi and Tucker Carlson (the "Reverse Birthers") published the following birth certificate:
Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin
Born: October 6, 1952, 2:00 am
Hospital: Coney Island Hospital, Brooklyn, NY
Length: 17"; Weight: 7.5 lbs.
Distinguishing characteristics: Will not wear a shirt.
Parents: Vladimir Spiridonovich Putin and Maria Ivanovna Putina
Address: 122 Oceana Drive West, Brighton Beach, Brooklyn, New York.(1)
Prior to the vote, a parade of speakers praised Putin:
Rudy Giuliani said of Putin: “he’s what you call a leader”
House Republican Mike Rogers rhapsodized: "Putin is running circles around the United States. He is playing chess while we're playing marbles."
Bryan Fisher of the American Family Association called the Russian leader a "Lion of Christianity" in large part because of his anti-gay policies.
In her closing speech, Sarah Palin repeated her boffo line, "people are looking at Putin as one who wrestles bears and drills for oil. They look at our president as one who wears mom jeans and equivocates and bloviates." (2)
By the time of the vote, the result was a foregone conclusion.
(1) According to Taitz and Corsi, baby Vladimir was immediately flown to Leningrad, where he was "born again" at the Mariinsky Hospital at 12:01 am on October 7, 1952 as a Soviet Citizen.
(2) (All actual quotes.)